If we go to bed now, we're that much closer to conquering the world, precious.

By Jordan Spencer Cunningham on August 25, 2010.

Having seen the sign outside the Panda Express near my house that advertised a campaign to buy one meal and get one free, I resolved to attend the festivities and gorge myself. However, when the day (today) arrived, and I found myself famished, and I putted over to Panda Express in my mama’s purple Nissan, I was confronted with a line of obese humanity about the length of Manhattan Island. If I was with a buddy or two it might have been adventurous to brave the line as there appeared to be tables filled with goodies and perhaps even branded beanbags outside the restaurant. Standing in a line of obesity for an hour waiting to order cheap, fattening food by oneself is rather degrading, though, and requires a buddy to be degraded with or else nothing.

So I went to Wendy’s instead and ordered four double-stacks. (Yes. I can eat four of those.) As it happened, an old elementary-school associate now works at the window there. We exchanged sly grins as we realized who the other was, and I couldn’t help but think that one could tell he was destined to work at Wendy’s just by looking at him as a child.

On the way home, I needed to turn left in an intersection, and, behold, I was presented with my very own green arrow allowing me to circumvent right-of-way traffic and feel more important than those waiting for their light to turn green. I instantly made the connection that green left arrows on stoplights are very similar to a Monopoly card we all love to see: “Advance to GO! Collect $200!”

Finally, as I heard Eric Whitacre’s Lux Aurumque for Wind Symphony, I decided (and my decisions are binding) that anyone who can listen to Eric Whitacre’s Lux Aurumque and not be converted to Christianity on the spot is either very stubborn or very brain-dead.

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